Epitaph for a Band…

From the time I was a child I loved music and loved making it happen. I performed for people in grade school and in all the turbulent years between then and grad school music was my companion. I survived high school largely because the music rooms were always open and welcoming when the lunch room wasn’t. In those days I believe God listened to my music and not my prayers because my music was real. I dreamed of being a performer, played in church when I could because I was the Pastor, and thought through it all that maybe, perhaps, my time would come.

It did, in the form of the local jams and one person who stepped out and formed a group with me. The local jams opened up to me almost magically. They were places where I could hone my skills, be challenged, be affirmed, and find people to make music with for the sheer love of doing it. Bassists need people, we give other musicians a foundation and they give us wings.  In the jams I found out that I could not only survive but thrive, not simply muddle along but excel. And then there was Ross.

Ross was in his middle 60′s when we first met at the jams. His songs were eclectic, interesting, things not always heard but still worth listening to. He had the blues and I, with my double bass, had the rhythm. Quiet, spiritual, laid back, and funny he was, and is, easy to make music with, a mellow bastion of sanity in a music world full of pathological egos. We started playing together, Cajun songs, mining songs, folk songs, reggae songs, whatever suited our fancy.  Then we traveled. Open mics, coffee shops, farmer’s markets, on the streets in Stillwater. People liked us. In a folk music world full of artists with morbid obsessions we were a dance band. As I said to one person “Ross and I have baggage, we just don’t sing about it.”

And people would join us, friends filling in at shows or coming up on stage during open mics. There was the two of us and whoever dropped in. Sometimes I would be on stage taking it all in and think to myself “This is really happening, this is really happening.” When the shows were done we’d practice at Ross’ house on a porch overlooking a pond, our only audience his two dogs who’d curl up on a chair and listen while we worked out the details.

Later we added Tilden, a talented mandolinist and guitarist and a generally good egg. We became regulars at a few coffee shops and made the kind get up and dance at the St. Paul Farmer’s Market.  Finally, in the last few months, Collette, quiet and soulful with a passionate voice. Of course we were busy, we had lives, but those moments carved out with the band were special.

Yet things, all things and all people, grow old and tired. Ross needed to rest and be what he wants to be, a great soul playing music with friends. Tilden and I have other projects. Collette, I don’t know but there’s a place for her and I’d like to think that someday we’ll be listed in her biography as a place she got her start. The ending caught us, in some ways, by surprise but I think down in our heart we may have known all along.  Right now all I can see is that special kind of happy sadness that comes when something of joy runs its natural course.

So here’s to Shoulder to the Plow, the little group where my lifelong dream of playing music for people finally came true, the little group that made people tap their toes while they sipped their coffee, the little group whose heart will always be on Ross back porch. Thank you for everything. Yes, of course we’ll bump in to each other somewhere, somehow because music makes us friends and I wouldn’t have it any other way.

And now on to whatever is next, all things being on God’s good hands.

Hymn from My Childhood…

Jesus! I am resting, resting
In the joy of what Thou art;
I am finding out the greatness
Of Thy loving heart.

Thou hast bid me gaze upon Thee,
And Thy beauty fills my soul,
For, by Thy transforming power,
Thou hast made me whole.

Oh, how great Thy loving kindness,
Vaster, broader than the sea:
Oh, how marvelous Thy goodness,
Lavished all on me!

Yes, I rest in Thee, Beloved,
Know what wealth of grace is Thine,
Know Thy certainty of promise,
And have made it mine.

Simply trusting Thee, Lord Jesus,
I behold Thee as Thou art,
And Thy love, so pure, so changeless,
Satisfies my heart,

Satisfies its deepest longings,
Meets, supplies its every need,
Compasseth me round with blessings,
Thine is love indeed.

Ever lift Thy face upon me,
As I work and wait for Thee;
Resting ‘neath Thy smile, Lord Jesus,
Earth’s dark shadows flee.

Brightness of my Father’s glory,
Sunshine of my Father’s face,
Keep me ever trusting, resting,
Fill me with Thy grace.

source: http://www.lyricsondemand.com/

There’s a lot of stir…

about potential new laws regarding the use of copyrighted, musical, and intellectual property on-line. I don’t know all the details but I do know this.

Music is work. The songs that people like to hear don’t show up by magic, they’re the products of weeks and month of work, of practice, and polishing a product to perfection. People only see or hear the finished product when it comes to music and they have no idea how long it takes and the effort involved to make it all happen. They also don’t know that a musician or group supports not just themselves but a whole group of people who depend on this product for their livelihood as well. From the owners of small coffee shops to the truck drivers on tour to the folks who sell concessions, all of them make a living off from the band.

So when you record music you didn’t pay for you’re really stealing, not just from a performer you think is rich (and by the way the vast majority of them make less than you do) but everyone else who counts on the income from the music to make a living. After all only about a dollar or less of every CD sold goes to the performer(s), the rest feeds a whole lot of mouths along the way.

So perhaps you can see why musicians, anyway, are trying to find a way to protect their own creations, a way to make somewhat of a living in a world where they work hard and people take what they make for a nickel on the dollar while the Googles of the world make billions.

If you don’t like the government snooping around the internet for illegal use and sale of copyrighted material and artistic creations there is one way to stop this and it’s just being honest. Pay for what you record online. Use only reputable download sites that at least try to assure that artists get something in return for their work. And no matter how much your friends ask just say no when they want your music, which took the artists and performers time and effort, for free.

If you don’t, don’t be surprised if the producers of art try to find a way to get the government to protect them from those who steal their work or barring that for them to just say “Forget it” and leave the world to its silence.

After the show…

they call your name. Once, twice, three times and you’re done. Somebody else takes your place.

Outside the wind is cold. The band moves out into the night. The audience heads in from the cold after a last cigarette. It’s not much. A cot and a few feet of space. No privacy really. If someone snores everyone knows. The chapel where the show had been turns into a large bedroom faster than the band can get its gear into the parking lot.

But its warm and tonight the wind is cold. They say its going to get below zero and they call your name, once, twice, three times. If you don’t respond you lose your place. There’s always another person without a place to go, another body in need of a bed. Jesus said that the poor would always be with us and this mission never closes, never has to post a “vacancy” sign, never runs short of lost men needing to be found.

In the end there were five left and three spaces. The names were placed in a bucket and two were left out in the cold. There was nothing that could be done. There are thousands of fancy hotel beds but only a few places for the men with long hair who live in the alleys during the day and sleep in missions during the night.

Right now I’m home. The show is over. My gear is all safely inside. I’ll be in bed shortly. Somewhere out there are two men and probably more, the ones whose names weren’t picked, trying to find a place to keep alive as the wind rolls in from the northwest and the temperature sinks.

Lord have mercy.

 

It Was a Quiet Afternoon…

yesterday. The weather was unseasonably warm. The sun was shining. A dog lay sleeping on the couch and outside the birds gathered their sustenance from a feeder without care, just like Jesus said.

It was just the two of us, people who wouldn’t have known each other except for the coincidence of history and music, going through the catalog of songs gone by. Nothing of ours is that modern and even the modern stuff is written to sound old. We’re old too, old and free from the need to shake our asses on stage or try to thrill people we don’t know, or maybe even care to know. A porch is fine with the trees for an audience and the wind for applause.

One song followed another in elegant simplicity. The best music seems to be that way, not a flurry of notes but each one picked specifically for its part, for its emotion. Songs from the mountains. Songs from New Orleans. Songs that really were prayers. Songs that made one wonder about the moment they came into being, the day, the hour, the flush of emotion that gave them light.

For that time, sitting on the porch with the dogs and the sun and the birds and our thinning hair, there was a great peace. Stuff was happening. Stuff is always happening. There was a world out there but there was a boundary too, an invisible line of music across which things troublesome were afraid to cross. Heaven must be, in part like this.

In truth its the only reason I would like to have some real money, so I could have a porch in the sun, a few old dogs, and enough time to sit and play the old songs with friends. Everything else is just a chase, running around a track set up by another to try to get to a destination of someone else’s choosing.

The world is, more or less, mad as a hatter. Except on front porches where people play old songs in the warm afternoon sun.

They say…

they say i should cut my hair

its driving me insane

i grew it out long to make room for my brain

sometimes people don’t understand

whats a good boy doing in a rock and roll band?

As the Music Door…

starts to swing open I find myself asking questions. Most of them are about faith.

For most of my adult life I’ve structured my Christian life around my work as a pastor. It’s rhythms and flows shaped what I did, where I went, and how I was a Christian. I know little of any other world. I’ve been preparing or serving in churches and chaplaincy since 1985. I’ve been involved in some sort of pastoral responsibility almost permanently in that time. So what would I do if that role was gone?

Could I be a faithful Christian if I wasn’t a Priest, if I didn’t have the order and duty of a Priest surrounding me? Would I end up being distracted? Would the cares of life and just all the busy things take me away? Would I lose my grip?

After all preparing to be, and serving in some ministry capacity is most of what I know. Even when I was bi-vocational for the past five years I thought of myself as a Priest and tried to live, as best I could, like one. If that part of my life ended what would it be like? More importantly how would I be a faithful Christian if my title was only “mister”?

Right now I’m glad to help where I can. I don’t mind traveling to make sure a church is served when their pastor needs a well deserved break. I’m good at doing an exclamation or two during the Liturgy and I can usually find something to do or clean when there’s down time, and there’s a lot of down time.

At the same time I am a good musician. People pay money to hear me. I’ve made friends. I’ve made connections. In the Church I’m on the side but on the stage I’m front and center. When I was a child I would dream about days like this and now they seem to be here. The doors seem really wide open.

Yet what good what any of this be without faith, without the life of God? In the end there’s only an audience of One that matters. What good would any of it be if at the end there was only the applause of earth? New directions are out there and they have a call but is this “the” call? Is this God or is it a clever ruse to take away the most important things and leave me stranded?

I’m still figuring these things out. One thing I do know is that my admiration for those people who live this Faith day in and day out in the “world” beyond the Church walls has grown. It’s easy, in some ways, to be a Christian when you have all the trappings of ordained ministry. The church walls can protect you and people’s expectations change when they see the collar. I am convinced that the true heroes of the Church are those people who find the way to be faithful without the props that come with vocational ministry.

Could it be that I am supposed to enter this world? Could it be that one part of my life is over and a new one has begun? I don’t know and frankly even the idea of asking such questions is frightening. I guess for right now its just about being faithful and putting one foot in front of the other.

Sabbatical, Year Two…

and now what? Where to go what to do?

There is unspent energy out there, energy waiting to go somewhere, energy that exists without a goal. There are people waiting in the wings while the stage is full, just watching. There is old and there is new but nothing in between.

Times are tough. If you’re a Priest and you have a reasonably good situation then you hold on for all its worth, especially if you’re not financially able to retire or haven’t really prepared. If you’re a seminarian you know you’ll probably get something, anything, because the Church has paid your way and there’s an interest in return on investment. But there’s nothing else.

If you’ve been out of the loop for even a short time there is really nowhere to go. No one is retiring and anything that comes open goes to the kids. I understand this. I was warned about this when I asked for a sabbatical. Yet its still hard to be floating somewhere in the middle, attached but not grounded, needed in some way but without really knowing for sure. Harder still if you’ve been too busy to develop the kind of corporate connections you thought you wouldn’t need because this is the Church.

The truth is that the grass is always greener on the other side. There are Priests out there who probably feel trapped in their own parishes but have no way of reasonably getting out at this time. So they mark the days and envy those of us not really tied down to a parish and the freedom that comes with it. Meanwhile there probably are others who look at life in a settled parish with a certain kind of envy as well. Its hard to be trained to do something and then find yourself unable to do it.

Ideally, I think, it would be nice if there was a wave of support for developing new parishes that could soak up some of the people and the energy of those who are temporarily out of the loop. Yet parishes are having a hard time keeping afloat themselves and so supporting a mission is problematic.

Its possible, as well, that a glut of Priests could be the catalyst for conceiving of priestly ministry in ways outside of the parish pastorate. What other things could Priests do as Priests in the world outside the parish walls? The possibilities seem to be there but can the wineskins hold the new wine?

As for myself I rested, relaxed, found a home here in the Twin Cities and then, realizing that the usual doors for ministry were at least temporarily closed decided to make my own way. The door that opened was music and I’m walking through. I have no idea if I’ll get that letter in the mail from a Bishop requesting my service. I’m in the bubble, not a seminarian who will get a parish or a senior pastor well rooted so I’m not holding my breath. Yet the music door is wide open and i can get into places and serve people with my bass guitar in ways that I could never do with my collar.

So I play, here, there, and everywhere. It keeps me busy. It keeps me doing things for God and others. Who knows? One day it may provide me with a living. The point is ministry is ministry whether I’m serving at the altar or up on stage singing about God. That, in the end, seems to be the answer, just be faithful with whatever gifts you have and lets the details rest in higher hands, not just the Bishops.

For Those of You…

who’ve wondered about the band I play in you can see some very rough video of tonight’s show in River Falls, WI, on Facebook. Just go to Facebook and search for “The Redemption Alley Band”.